| Here's your shovel! |
I caught Stephen reading my last post this morning. I guess he used the link that was saved to my computer's history and wanted to snoop around on my page. At first, I got defensive about him reading my page and almost a second later, that emotion turned into anger and I was overwhelmed with an "Go ahead, read it. See what I really think of you," attitude. You know, sometimes when you dig around for stuff, you end up finding things you wish you hadn't found. Serves him right for going on here. I felt bad afterwards but I couldn't hide the fact that those were my genuine feelings. Am I wrong for that? Its almost as if a great weight was lifted on my shoulders. I don't feel like I have to front and pretend about feeling that I know deep down that I don't have. And you know, its not like I come on here an blog without ever trying to talk to him about it. He doesn't listen and a lot of times, its because he chooses not to listen. He'll come home from work and the first thing he does is sit and watch tv. The family is upstairs and he's downstairs. Or sometimes he plays video games. He never wants to spend time with us. He doesn't spend time with the kids. He never wants to talk openly to me about anything. A lot of times, I have to guess what he's feeling and that only leaves me irritated and angry. I mean, look how much I blog. I like to get things out, I like to talk about things. Its not like me to hold something in and keep it away like a secret. I don't know. That's just Stephen I guess. You know, right now the kids and I are begging for his attention but it won't always be that way. One day he'll start asking for ours and we're going to get to the point where we no longer want him to be around. He hasn't spoken to me all day and deep down, I'm okay with that.
You know, you never forget your first love. You approach that first relationship guards down, literally putting everything into it because you do not know the true feeling of pain. Why do we as human beings look to other people's comfort almost as if it was our security blanket? I still talk to my first love even though we dated back in the 8th-9th grade. Oh man, he was horrible to me and for some reason, he keeps coming around. You know, like a settled pool of water. All it takes is one drop to disrupt the balance of the whole pool. Anyways, its gotten to the point where its almost a predictable pattern. He calls me when he's alone, depressed, or is having something drastic happen in his life. Then things take a turn for the better. He finds a new girlfriend, new job, whatever. And then when all that doesn't work, he comes right back to me. And I take him in. Every single time. Well, the last time we spoke was two Aprils ago. We've been talking and I started having feelings for him again and then one day, he found a girlfriend and just left me hanging. Anyways, two years later, come to find out he's had a baby with this chick and another one the way and guess what? She left him and she took the kids with him. Yep, the every same day he goes and messages me on my myspace. "I need you, this is what happened. Blah, blah, blah." I guess the reason I'm admitting this to the world is because deep down, I know I'm vulnerable to this person. Its like he puts me in a trance. Just in case I start blogging about how much I care for this person and how I'm falling in love with him, slap me. Remind me that he'll just leave me once his boo-boos heal. I guarantee it - its going to happen again. And if I even get the crazy idea about moving up to Alaska to be with him, don't let me. Talk me out of it.
I went and bought my Vera Bradley purse set today. I got the backsack, mini-zip wallet, and the checkbook cover in the new Pinwheel Pink fabric. Its a fabric from the newly released Spring Collection. Its mostly white girls who have these purses but since I'm really a white girl on the inside, I thought it would still be okay. Anyways, I went ahead and decided to treat myself. I never get to indulge on myself because I'm too busy worrying about the needs of other people. This is probably the first time that I've felt that it was okay to be selfish.
Drove the Explorer around today. It was a lot of fun but I'm definitely not going to be driving it again for a while. That damn thing is thirsty for gas. And I mean thirsty. Plus I need to sit down and read the manual that came with it. With all those gadgets and safety features on that damn thing - I can't even find the button that opens the trunk from the inside. I know - I'm not used to this stuff. Got the CRX fixed up for Fatima. The mechanic fixed it up at a very reasonable price. It runs great now and I almost hate to see it driven by my sister. I love my new Explorer but no lie about it, I miss my CRX. *tear* That car literally symbolizes my independence.
I really need to start making more friends. It seems like my blogs keep getting longer and longer. I'm very lonely during the day and I don't really have a lot of people that I'm in common with. I have two main friends here. One of them has become very religious and is always pressuring me to become a Jehovah's Witness and I always feel as if the other one is constantly trying to one-up me. I don't want to compete with friends. Its just exhausting and I'm too old to get caught up with that mess. :( Gen, I need your email address so that you can be my pen pal. All these people around here are driving me nuts! And yeah, I have thought about the reserves but I don't know if they'll take me being unmarried with two kids. Plus, honestly, I'm scared to death to join the service. I'm afraid I'll be shipped off to war and die. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that and what better way to give up life than by earning freedom for your country. Its just that my kids are still young and if something were to happen to me now, they would be too young to remember who I was. Plus the thought of just leaving my kids kill me. |
|
| 1 Comments: |
-
Awww honey....Maybe it was a good thing he read yoru blog, you're right this is an excellant way to let out your feelings and now he knows how you truly feel.
MY email addy is genevieveslucas@hotmail.com :)
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted by Faith at 
Awww honey....Maybe it was a good thing he read yoru blog, you're right this is an excellant way to let out your feelings and now he knows how you truly feel.
MY email addy is genevieveslucas@hotmail.com :)